Monday, June 18, 2007

Open Mic Monday: Staring The Mistress

I’ve decided to start open mic Monday to showcase a few bloggers that I feel are freaking fantastic. Every week (on Monday) I will post different topics from a few of my favorite bloggers. This is my way of acknowledging a few people who I think are great. I love their words, their opinions, and most of all their honesty to this thing we call writing.

Mistress- She needs no introduction. Unfortunately, her blog can only be read by those she deem worthy (LOL).


"Don't Wanna Hear It"

As most of you may have noticed, I don't generally like to tell people what to do. My specialty is telling people what NOT to do. This falls into that category. I've had my fair share of shitty dates and every single time, the man was to blame. Hate to sound cocky...well no I don't. I'm being honest. It's always the guy who fucks it up by talking stupid. When I'm on a date I never talk about my ex's, I don't talk about subjects that only appeal to women, I'm not a nosy person. I play it relatively cool.
Some of them men I've dated though, have failed to recognize what topics to stay away from on a first date. This post is dedicated to them. My male readers really should read the following list of don't's and keep them in mind. Kthanx.
1.) Please don't talk about your fucking car. Unless we specifically ask, please assume we don't give a shit how it goes from 0-60 in 3.4 much you paid for it, what cylinder it is...that kind of shit. We don't care motherfucker.
2.) Please don't talk about your boring ass investments, your 401k, or your stock portfolio. If I wanna know that kind of shit, I'll take my fucking ass to Charles Schwab or Morgan Stanley and consult with a licensed financial adviser.
3.) Please don't talk about your ex girlfriend, or ex-wife or why you broke up....this is not 1st date shit and it makes you sound like a bitch. If a woman asks about your previous relationship, keep your answer simple. Don't go into the whole song and dance about how she got pregnant by some other man, turned lezbo, fucked your brother or things of that nature. You don't have to lie, but you also don't need to share all the gory details.
4.) Please refrain from bragging about your workout routine and how much you can bench press. And NO I don't need to see you "flex your guns" dumbass ! I'm trying to date you, not put you on my payroll as a personal trainer.
5.) Please don't start reminiscing about your college or high school football experiences. No one gives a hot damn about your days as a linebacker or tight end. I could care less about how you broke the school record for rushing the most yards or whatever they call it. That gets a big SO WHAT from me.
6.) Please restrain yourself from making derogatory or misogynistic statements about women in general. Yes it does happen. I went out with a guy once who felt the need to express his disdain for "overly independent women who act like they don't NEED a man". Yeah, not a good move. He got a fucking earful from me on that subject. I was like "What do you mean overly independent first of all?" Now men, whenever you say some dumb shit, women ALWAYS ask you to elaborate so you can dig yourself into a deeper hole and sound like a bigger fool than you already do. Don't fall for it! It's a trap! The smartest thing for you to do would be to stop talking but rarely does that occur. So his response was "well I'm old-fashioned, I like my women to be a little bit dependent on me" OH NO HE DIDN'T. You know I wasn't having that. "So, let me clarify this, you want a woman to be dependent on you the way a child is dependent on a parent? Are you that insecure? Does that make you feel like a BIG MAN? What would a grown woman need to be dependent on you for? Does it make you feel intimidated when you meet an independent woman who doesn't need you to provide for her?" I asked. Of course, the stuttering began and he was waist deep in his own bullshit. Not a pretty sight.
Now obviously women do some stupid shit on dates and talk like idiots too. I'm not disputing that. However, I can only speak from my own experience and I have no experience dating women.
So my advice is this: Guys, think before you speak MmmKay?


T.C. said...

totally love it!

The Mistress said...

Ha, thanks for not including a link cause some people do NOT know how to follow directions! I have had to send two emails to people linking my new URL in their damn blogrolls!


;-) LMAO.

I like being private and incognito.

Anyway, can't wait to see who else will be guest hosting this week!

Blu Jewel said...

girl, you know i know how you do so i was in hysterics reading this.

great post and as t.c would say, that's real talk!!!

B.m.W said...

That's priceless! Ha Ha. I've seen the ex talk kill opportunities for a lot of people.

THE WORST: I hadn't even dated a girl yet...just in the 'phone phase'. She says, "Abortions (plural) hurt" (no more, no less) out of the clear blue sky. I should have gotten an award for how quickly that conversation was wrapped up.

What I Have To Say