Thursday, June 28, 2007

Anonymously speaking...

I’ve been thinking about a comment an anonymous person left on my Keeping it Real Post a few days ago. My statement and the comment were as followed:

Since I am such a great catch, than why am I single regardless if I am looking or not? (you can never be too picky).

You're a great catch probably b/c you are single and drama free. Some men can't handle a woman who does not have a myriad of issues because it means they would have no excuse not to commit (i.e. " I can't marry her because she's crazy as hell.")

I am assuming this is a guy because of their profound insight that can only come from a male. Which now leaves wondering why is this my issue or something I have to accept as a reason for being single?

Am I to create a little drama to appear more attractive to a man? Or even worst give him justification for not wanting to commit? Don’t take this as an attack to the commenter; these are general question to any man.

I’ve purposely avoided being a baby mama, looking for a man to take care of me, and cause self-inflicting pain. After all there are so many external factors full of drama/stress. I would think any sane person would value having a person in their life that helps minimize the drama.

I don’t look at my point of view as wishful thinking. I am not asking for a lottery ticket worth 25 million to fall out of the sky and into my lap. I just want a man who can handle a woman who’s on top of her game and compliments him…


Blu Jewel said...

Girl, you are doing ALL THE RIGHT things to have the life you want. There is NO need to settle and every woman out there needs to be as proactive in her life as you are.

If a man is intimidated by you, that's because he's the one who needs to work out his issues.

I applaud you for the woman you are and for the woman who continues to walk well in her own shoes.

Anonymous said...

LMAO- Don't give a man that much credit..I wrote the post, and I'm a

I will have to write more later to give a bigger explanation. :)

A woman on the move said...

Anonoymous- yet we meet again.

Okay, so you're a woman. I'll wait for your explanation.


Anonymous said...

Anonymous Speaks : )

Yes, I did write the post that sparked the conversation, and I am a woman. : )

There is a definite qualifier in the statement- “some” men, not all. The bright side is that there are men who DO NOT want to deal with dramatic dysfunction. I do believe that there are well-adjusted, normal and wonderful men out there who want to settle down with a decent, intelligent single woman, who may or may not have children.

On the other side of the game, there are also “some” men who seek out women who are as drama-ridden as possible, so that they can remain single. I dated a guy for 2.5 years who loved to boast about the fact that he was a single, attractive, educated, black man working, who never had any kids. I met him when he was 36.

Prior to dating me, he gravitated to older women with children- usually single mothers as a result of divorce, or single women without kids who had “limited education.” I had to hear his war stories about how they demanded commitments from him, because according to him, he was such a great catch. He said that he ultimately broke up with them, because he didn’t like their children or the women were crazy or attempted to keep tabs on him. In other words, name a lame excuse, and he had it.

Then, I came along- totally against his “type.” At the time a 29-yr-old, single, attractive, well-traveled, freelance journalist with no kids, well-educated (a B.A. and two graduate degrees), a happy disposition, polite, affectionate, smiles and laughs readily, intellectually curious, and younger, in other words a totally clean slate without any real back story to reveal. We got along well, but did have our occasional disagreements, traveled a bunch, his family liked me, and we had many things in common. Yes, I was the proverbial girl that you take home to mom, which he did on our second date.

Ultimately though, he was threatened by my independence, confidence, and realization that I was quite self-reliant. I never begged for him to do anything with me, and if we were apart for a week, I didn’t go to pieces. As a matter of fact, most of the time he called me, but I did not play hard to get. I arranged many of our dates, and we had a good time.

However, I never beseeched him to marry me, which took away the precious ounce of power and control that he had enjoyed dangling over his previous girlfriends. The funny thing is, he use to buy me Tiffany jewelry. Whenever we went into the store, he would love to browse in the engagement ring case, just to see my reaction, hoping his tease would excite me. It was actually hilarious, because while they were gorgeous, I knew I’d never marry him, and he never had any intention of marrying me either. He also seemed to get a kick out of giving me surprise gifts in those little blue boxes, thinking that he could catch me in a moment of disappointment when I would realize that it was not a ring. Yes, he had some serious issues.

One day, during a heated discussion, I lashed out, and had an “a-ha moment” and said, “The problem with you is that you are use to dating only lonely, needy, and desperate women, and I am none of those things!”

Do you think that he ever refuted it, and told me that I was dead wrong? Nope. That spoke volumes to me. I realized he was not looking for an equal, but someone emotionally inferior for his own ego. The dichotomy was that while he had initially admired my confidence, it was also something subconsciously, that he wanted to destroy. I happily deleted our relationship without regrets, because as you mentioned, it does take a sane person to appreciate a woman who has no drama. Massive insecurity in a man is not attractive.

One day, I will meet someone who will appreciate my strengths, and will want to luxuriate in the fantabulous splendor of being with a drama-free woman. However, it is equally necessary for me to remember that mediocrity is common, but excellence is rare, so it might take a minute. In the meantime, I just have to continue to have joy, smile, and enjoy the sunshiny space that I am in. Sometimes it’s good to just be in the moment…

A woman on the move said...

Anonymous- Very well put and I understand your point exactly!!!!

Also, thank you for sharing the details of your experience!

You've sparked a few more thoughts I want to post...

Anonymous said...

Hi AWOTM- Thank you for allowing me to post and for your support. I look forward to continuing the dialogue, and seeing what you post next! I know it'll be a hot one! : ) Enjoy the weekend.

Joanne said...

Wow. Reading all of that gave me an 'aha' moment of my own. I've continually let another guy (and his issues)make me doubt myself. I guess I was so stubborn I had to learn things the hard way. But I consider what I let (because looking back that is exactly what I did) happen to me to be a good lesson, and I appreciate the chance to learn from it.

Currently feel every inch of a girl after that confession, but am working on being the type of woman I want to be.

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