Friday, March 23, 2007

Single Black Female…The Pilot Episode

The Setup:
My friend sends me an im this morning. At first she was yet again complaining about the fact of me being too busy lately to entertain her and her needs. I love my friend (I swear I do) but there are patterns I’ve learned during the duration of our friendship whenever I am seeing someone (male) she tends to become needy or feels neglected. Yes, I admit I have let Mr. Godiva consume my time lately. But none of my other friends seem to be occupied with the time I am NOT spending with them. Perhaps, because they are consumed with their own daily happenings and lives.

This conversations begins with her telling me about a guy she met through a friend. They haven't acutally met yet, but they talk on the phone.


Friend: we're not avoiding it; we just haven't had the time too

Me: i understand that, I'm saying before u have all things plans for things to do...first is a meeting- nothing else matters, I wouldn't even spend that much time on the phone until then

Friend: really? because lots of people form relationships with people over the phone before they meet in person in order to feel the person out?

Friend: but I guess everyone is different

Friend: either way, I consider myself pretty luck to have been introduced to someone with so much potential, regardless of his appearance. even if it doesn't work out romantically, I think we can learn a lot from each other professionally

Me: I did that in high school and maybe a little in college (19-20). At 27, I am not a fan of hookup unless I have a close and personal relationship with the source. Its a preference, I am big off vibes and energy I get from meeting people off the street. I can tell whether I want to pursuit a "relationship" off the initial meet and greet. I don't have time to get comfy and cozy with a phone buddy. Let's say u like each other over the phone but in person the vibe isn't right- then what? You have time wasted. Again you like it, I love it. But as the saying goes only time will tell. Glad you're excited about meeting someone. but how close are you with the girl? Do you guys hang out and meet people together. That way both of you know exactly the type of men u both like-without a doubt.

Me: You're new to the "game". I want you to avoid silly common mistakes, which yes come with life. but if u have someone in ur corner to warn u...listen up

Friend: lol, some people don't view life as a game. Just a series of events. I don't pick up on the game vibe from him either. All of the married couples I know have met through mutual friends but I guess it's different for everyone.

Me: Again nothing wrong with hook ups. I said consider the source. How much time do you spend with the girl hooking you up? When's the last time you kick it, did whatever it is you do together?

Friend: we had lunch Tuesday. I talk to her on a daily basis

Me: In life there are rules- no matter now much u want to ignore then. If it's not rules, they are called laws, regulations, guidelines, whatever u want to call it. There is a format to living life. Yes you write the script but understand there is a game being played and ur player whether u care to admit it or not

Me: how long have u known her?

Friend: couple of years now

Me: ok, so why don't u kick it with her and do all things u like to do, since she's been in your life so long?

Friend: she lives far

Friend: she's close to fort worth

Friend: and she has a couple of kids. she's older.

Friend: I'm going to be optimistic about it and all but I'm not going to make him the center of anything until I've known him for a few months

Me: when do u and that guy talk on the phone and how often?

Friend: we've spoken everyday for about the last week. mostly in the mornings sometimes at night but he beds early

Me: how long are your phone convos?

Me: where does he work?

Me: location wise?

Friend: see, subconsciously I was lonely with the whole Alex thing but I wasn't able to admit to this. Now I'm able to admit to it so I'm not going to let my loneliness create a relationship with someone that doesn't work. So right now we just talk about things.

Me: yes, but u realize subconsciously ur creating a relationship that doesn't exist. The traveling and all. wait and see how you vibe in person-

Friend: I'll travel with anyone; we don't have to be in a relationship to travel together.

Friend: that was more on the business tip

Me: ok, but its even better to travel the world with someone u care about

Me: trust me

Friend: if we did get into something romantic I probably wouldn't go with him on that trip so soon, because that would complicate things.

Me: ur again planning a relationship- whether biz or personal

Me: let it flow naturally

Me: have no plans other than to meet him asap

Me: how long are ur phone convos?

Me: where does he work?

Friend: he's in Irving, about 30 to 40 minute conversations

Friend not deep, in debt convos

Friend: I think there should be planning to everything; it's in my nature. even if the plan doesn't work, there should at least be a tentative sketch that can be altered.

Friend: but who knows, it could be some poor girl in Louisiana waiting for her man to hit it big before she moves to Dallas.

Me: well I say there should always be room for change. When I am talking about planning I am referring to relationships- nothing else. So don't apply this to general things- I am very specific on what I am talking about

Friend: yeah, even in relationships. there should be some sort of planning

Friend: otherwise I think everyone's just wasting time

Me: how many 30 to 40 min convos have u had?

Friend: I’m not counting them...

Friend: haha but he must realize that he’s an endangered species

Me: legalage_18: yeah, even in relationships. there should be some sort of planning

Me: based off what experience-personally

Friend: I don't know, I’m sort of just making everything us as I go along. You know? Trying to figure out what works for me.

Me: but u are so bull headed, that ur not listening to me- someone who knows from experience-

Me: y go blind when u don't have to

Friend: but you're not married?

Me: cause I don't want to be

Friend: and you've never really been in a committed relationship? I am hearing your advice but I have to make my own decisions, we're both learning

Me: but even if u refer to ur married "people" I guarantee if they could do things over they would

Friend: yeah, I wouldn't call up most of my siblings to get relationship advice either. But I’m not at that point yet because they're not relationship

Me: I've never been in committed relationship? and u know that how?

Friend: since I've known you, have you been in a committed relationship?

Me: but u know what rather than listen and try to accept my advice based off the fact that regardless if I am married or not. I am comfortable with me, and have a natural ability to meet people (men and women) which builds relationships whether I am dating or hanging out with them- That's the proof...

Me: My most committed relationship to date would be Chris regardless if we worked out or not. I know how to love someone unconditionally and vice versa- gained the experience

Me: most important

Friend: I know and because we have such contrasting personalities, what works for you may not necessarily work for me

Friend: see, I’m not saying that you're wrong or that your methods don't work, just that they may not be the ideal path for me.

Me: but rather than go tit for tat... u do u- the method that doesn't really work based off your track record and... I wish u the best with this guy

Friend: thank you

Me: what u don't realize is what I have went through most women have gone through- it’s not ME specific

Me: sorry u didn't experience any of this

Friend: any of what?

Me: life
Me: boys
Me: not fucking
Me: but understanding the dynamics

Friend: I know, I was in survival mode when most kids were doing the normal dating thing

Me: life experience with dating

Friend: it's okay, I still have time

Me: but the truth is a lot of this u should know and have experienced. You don't want to be in your 30 making dating mistakes u should have made in ur teens or early 20s...know that

Me: known

Friend: that's true

Friend: then I’ll just have to learn to be happy with just being with myself. I'm learning that too right now.

Me: just don't start having a lot of phone convos

Me: with people u never seen

Friend: well, maybe I will since I’m not really caught up physical appearance

Friend: I like attractive people but it's so easy for me to miss physical attributes about people when I get to know them on a mental or emotional level?

Me: vibes/ energy
Me: not stressing looks
Me: there's a difference

Friend: it's like I just start seeing the essence of that person. Even now, with people I met it's just the essence of that person that retain.
Me: of course nice to look at
Me: ok
Me: whatever floats
Me: and work
Me: but I am all about action
Me: u can blow smoke and theories all u want
Me: all I care about is your personal experience in the matter
Me: and that's to anyone
Me: about anything
Me: holla

Friend: but right now I don't agree with your dating situation so it wouldn't make sense for me to take advice from you.

Friend: I’m just happy that you're happy
Me: and for clarity u don't agree because
Me: just for kicks
Me: I’m curious
Friend: lol, we've gone over this
Me: I forgot
Me: truly
Me: refresh my memory
Me: one last time
Friend: no
Me: seriously, I don't remember, I thought one thing but it turned out to be other things
Me: so for the record I wannna know
Me: not going to argue
Me: since u put it out there, u might as well follow through

Friend: see, at this point it doesn't really matter. at this point for me to voice any type of opinion would just be me not being supportive a decision that you've already made.

Friend: and my opinion, because all it is an opinion, wouldn't make you change anything about your relationship.
Friend: it shouldn't anyway
Me: u said its very simple
Me: u disagrees because
Me: nothing else
Me: just answer the?
Me: that's all I am asking

Friend: nah, my opinion shouldn't matter. I would be one of those women who just keep saying "Gurl you need to leave him!" but really, at this point, I don't know a lot about your relationship with him

Me: u are so making this bigger than it has to be
Me: u make a statement, and I ask u say that
Me: yet u don’t want to answer the question
Me: go round and round
Friend: to maintain an air of mystery, oooooh
Me: yet u made the comment, I guess for FYI purposes
Me: ur opinion is ur opinion
Me: just asked a question and it would be one thing if I didn't ask u
Friend: well the age thing is a big thing
Friend: but the age thing encompasses a lot.
Me: age and?
Me: facts not opinion
Me: if u don't mind
Me: age
Me: and?
Friend: facts about his age?
Friend: recently divorced
Friend: and that first impression

Me: well if I recall once we left from Fridays we both like his personality. And I would like to think, you would not have decided to hang out with us New Years Eve if you were not feeling him from the first impression...
Me: but u answered my question
Me: thanks
Me: everyone is divorced and it’s been almost 2 years...
Me: but again thank u
Me: moving on
Friend no problem, but like you said before, it's not like I’m family so my opinion doesn't really matter
Friend: that's a "whole different level: right?

Me: I value my fam and close friend's opinions who have all offered their comments, but no one is buggin' out any more. Mainly because obviously I've developed something more concrete as time continues to go on. Its not something I would recommend to anyone or say I would do again. But know that once upon a time I met a 56 years old man that brought nothing but fun, love, passion, excitement, inspiration/motivation, and words of encouragement to my life---TOO BAD NOT ALOT OF PEOPLE CAN SAY THAT ABOUT MOST PEOPLE THAT ENTER THEIR LIVES...

Friend: exactly. But all those first two encounters are the only things I have to base my opinions on because it's not a part of your life that you share with me.

Me: don't need to say a word. The time that I send with him says it all. That's why I say actions speak louder. I can tell you all day I am happy with him, but I believe it shows. No need for words most of the time. The question is whom am I spending my time with and that's a person who's making me happy on a level that your girls cant complete.

Friend: I think it's great that you've found someone who you can spend time with. in the end, it's all that really matters.
Friend: it's about the relationships that we form with other people.



Anonymous said...

you and your friend are a trip,LOL.
I was getting frustrating reading the IM
It was like talking to a wall.

She never really responded to the questions but rather redirected the conv. to you and your relationship. A relationship is a relationship, the term "marriage" does not define that.

She was giving me gray hairs!

Keep hope alive!!!!!

Blu Jewel said...

your friend is hearing you but not listening. you're better than me cause i'da ended that convo half way through. she's got a lot to learn, but it seems she thinks that she can do it through osmosis and not hands on. wow! now i can see why you limit your interactions with her.

Anonymous said...

The excuse of not having enough time is a myth. She doesn't want to confront reality, her myth gives her attention, hope, a fantasy of love.

"The evasion of reality is the root of all evil".Ayn Rand.

Good advice on the source perspective.

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