Wednesday, November 15, 2006

...

My thoughts these days seem to be all over the place lately. Since my return from my parent’s house and all that has happened; I’ve submerged myself into the duties and learning curve of my new job, focused on trying to get into this grad program, and think of anything that has nothing to do with my father’s passing.

Acceptance is the hardest issue for me. There are no right or wrong ways to handle grief, but for me; acknowledging the issue/realty is a challenge these days. I swear it seems so surreal. Confusion, frustration, hurt, anger, fear, sadness, lost, and shocked are all the feelings I am experiencing. It’s a juggling act these days, all day I give a 100% positive and happy demeanor yet I am torn and broken inside. And everyone is understanding and sympathetic to my situation. But for some reason, I feel a need to keep a strong face. I understand this is all normal. But I don’t understand why my father is gone. I assumed he’d always be there for me. I don’t want to hear about his spirit always living, I need him in the physical.

There are so many fond memories I have of him. I even spoke to him the day before he died. Why? I love him so much…

6 comments:

BluJewel said...

as you stated, you have to handle the grief in your own way and there is no text book way of handling it. yeah, the memories will be eternal and in time you may be able to accept that, but i'm sure the physical loss is trememdous right now.

Prayers are sent your way to help comfort you during your time.

T.C. said...

I want to write something that will make you know that its ok, its ok to feel everything that you feel, to go back and forth, up and down...its really ok...but the words can't seem to come together.

Keep pushing and dealing with what you can and understanding what you can't...

As always in my prayers (people often say this, but don't often do it...)
I am praying for you...

DivineLavender said...

speechless...

Anonymous said...

of course i can't begin to write something to make you feel better but i still want to encourage you. i encourage you to keep writing about him. i encourage you to talk openly about him. i encourage you to cry. i encourage you to pray. i encourage you to stay close to your family. i know you already know this, but it's 100% okay to not be okay. take your time lady.

The Mistress said...

If putting on the facade of a strong face is what is holding you together right now, by all means you should do it. Everyone grieves differently. Some are more private in their pain and that's perfectly okay. Don't beat yourself up over it. You've experienced such a significant loss...you're not going to be "the same" again and your life may never seem "normal" again with your father gone. I imagine myself feeling the same if I were in your position. We're similar in our relationships with our dad's. I think about my dad sometimes and I can't believe how much I love him. Sometimes a girl only has one perfect man in her life and ours just happens to be our fathers. Celebrate that as much as you can in your moments of grief, even though he's gone.

beautyinbaltimore said...

My prayers are with you.

What I Have To Say