Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Maybe I'm Selfish...

I will be the first to admit at this point in my life I am a bit self-absorbed. I feel I am entitled to feel this well especially since I am not married and I don't have any children. Yet, there are some things going on in my life that forces me to question myself. This topic or confession was inspired by the fact that I have deep feelings for someone who isn't mine. By definition he's 100 percent off limits; he has a girlfriend whom is also the loving mother of his child (no, I do not know her personally). But as a woman, I know her heart and I understand a woman's intuition and instinct. There is no physical cheating going on at this current time, but there's definitely an emotional bond I have with her man that would threatened any rational woman.

I can sit here and say we're very good friends (which we are), but I would never want my man to have a friendship with another woman like the one I have with this guy. I didn't purposely plan to have the feelings I have for this man. It's just something that has been building up over time. It's like we live in a world that's has nothing to do with our realty. Does this make me selfish? Am I sowing myself into a life time of bad karma? Is it wrong for me to love someone that belongs to someone else? To some he may seem to have it all, the main girl in his life and then ME. But I too reap some benefit in this entangled love affair. Even when other guys in my life do things that may make me loose faith in men; some how this guy restores the feeling that you can find someone that clicks well on all levels with you. Yet and still he's someone else's man.

Some how we've developed this bond that fills and refills emptied voids we both have. I share my inner thoughts with this man as he does with me, but he belongs to someone else. I have to keep reiterating this theme because sometimes I get so caught up in our rapture that I forget he's someone else's man. I am there for him in whatever capacity possible, while trying to seem indifferent or un phased when he causally tells me different stories about his family. I am happy for him and them. I hope things workout for the best, I really do (and yes, I still love him). If he was to actually get married tomorrow, it would hurt my heart but I would eventually want the best for him.

Even the men I meet and casually date have to be measure to this guy. If you can't move me, quite like this guy then it's a wrap. I'm not saying no one else will ever make me feel or intrigue me more than this guy, but it's like the forbidden fruit. I, like Eve have taken a bite and I am addicted. I won't do anything rash other than drive myself crazy or let it out through my blogs. I'm not perfect! Maybe I'm selfish, I want him to myself(thinking of a song right about now)... LOL

On the real, we all have done things in life that makes us wonder what the hell were we thinking. I guess right now I am only thinking of him and I. Right or wrong, you're not my judge!

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