What would you do?
So I have this guy in my life whom I consider to be my dearest friend. We’ve known each other for almost three years. Initially, I thought he would simply be a summer fling while I was at home on my summer break from college. He was the first guy I had ever felt a strong physical attraction to. I was innocently introduced to him through a mutual friend and at the time I didn’t think anything of him other than a cool guy. A group of us hung out one day and he and I hooked up later on that night. Again, I was blown away by our chemistry. I went back to school in the Fall, and we continued to keep in touch and developed a genuine friendship filled with honesty and open communication.
Over the course of the next year and a half I had a boyfriend (whom I am no longer with) and he got back with his child’s mother. Now that I am single; I find dating to be more added stress in my life due to the entire interviewing/auditioning one must go through just to find a guy of substance. During the mist of my open calls, this guy is always there for me. Since I graduated from college I no longer live in the city I was born and raised, so my friend and I have a phone relationship for the most part. I do see him as often as our time permit (which is about 3 or 4 times a year).
Trying to keep the story short, LOL. Any how, more recently he and I have gotten even closer than we were. This is the guy I am 100 percent myself with, we talk about any and everything, and our sex is spectacular. But he is now with his child’s mother. It’s really one of those relationships that is based off of circumstances and not pure feelings. There is no physical relationship between us right now due to the distance. But I am totally in love with him, which is something we both had opening decided to share with each other on a regular basis more recently. I have never once tried to purposely take his girlfriend’s place. I keep putting myself in the female’s position, and I am sure our relationship would threaten any rational woman.
But sometimes you find yourself in positions/situations you don’t always expect. But I have never gelled with a guy the way I do this one. He’s there for me unlike anyone else. I honestly think our relationship is so good because we never put a title on us or tried to play games/maupualte to get what we want out of the other person.I am convinced that in order to have a lasting and solid relationship, you have to be friends with your partner.
NowI ask what would you do in this type of situation? And for the self righteous people who want to cast judgment and pretend you’ve never done anything wrong you can keep your comments to yourself. No one is perfect, including YOU…What’s a girl to do?
average&poor
dorm director- room check
Join Date: May 2003
Location: not in denial
Posts: 6,110
girrrlllll....I empathize and I sympathize with you..This is the conclusion I came to:While I truly do believe there are men out there who do stupid things like stay in a relationship out of " obligation " or fear of hurting a girls feelings...Mst of the time it is a cop out or a way to have you both. He still does not love you the way you should be loved...I empathize with the man too, He wants to make it right because of his child...He is taking the safe way- seeing as you are not there with him. Both of you are being selfish..and somebody is going to have to let go.
I know its hard. I know. I know.If he truly wanted you he would be with you. He would make plans to raise his child and be with you. I applaud you for thinking of her. Many women don't. My suggestion to you and I am not pulling this from a cliche..I TRULY understand what you are going through...But move on...I know its hard... I know its easier said than done. I know all of this...but you will not be able to open your heart to another man if you don't close your heart for this one. I know what you are thinking..I promise I do...I never respond to advice threads but this one hit close to home. I have been here. Good Luck and I wish you happiness.
ME:
Hey, I appreciate your honesty and your sincerity. And believe me I have wrestled with this heavily for the past 2 weeks. You are so right on everything you said, and I know the answer (always did). I also agree any other man coming into my life will ALWAYS have to compete with this guy. In fact, he’s risen the bar as far as standards go. At this point any guy who doesn’t make me feel like this man is an automatic –NO. I now know what type of a relationship I want with a man mainly because of my relationship with this special friend. It’s hard to walk away. We talk everyday, I honestly can’t see myself not having him in my life. I am not going to sit here and lie and say, I am washing my hands of him right now-today. But in fairness to myself and knowing what I wouldn’t want done to myself; we have to get back to strictly friends mode. But even that would be a stretch…
I have to agree with the other poster...if he truly wanted to be with you, he would be honest with himself, his baby's mother, and you. It doesn't help anyone to keep up a facade if you two truly want to be together. He seems to be a decent person, especially since he's taking care of his child, but it will only hurt eveyone more if he continues to stay with his child's mother, if that's not where he wants to be. IMO, you should talk to him and let him know your feelings. The ball should be in his court.
REPLIED:POST
Hey, I appreciate your honesty and your sincerity. And believe me I have wrestled with this heavily for the past 2 weeks. You are so right on everything you said, and I know the answer (always did). I also agree any other man coming into my life will ALWAYS have to compete with this guy. In fact, he’s risen the bar as far as standards go. At this point any guy who doesn’t make me feel like this man is an automatic –NO. I now know what type of a relationship I want with a man mainly because of my relationship with this special friend.It’s hard to walk away. We talk everyday, I honestly can’t see myself not having him in my life. I am not going to sit here and lie and say, I am washing my hands of him right now-today. But in fairness to myself and knowing what I wouldn’t want done to myself; we have to get back to strictly friends mode. But even that would be a stretch...
Exactly! That is the lesson I got, but that still does not keep you from wanting him...SO you have to work at it everyday. I hope you can truly remain freinds with him..In my case that was/is not possible.I feel like I am typing this..Who is this person? are you in my mind..Goodness...It would have been easier for me if I thought he had made the right decision about his life, but since I didn't..it haunted me- SO i had to go. Basically his existence was killing me.We could not be friends.
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