Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Freaking Out of My Mind...

Thanks to T.C.. inspired me to come out of my shame and admit that I too can be my worst enemy (thanks a lot, lol). Why must I over analyze shit? Here we go again blog, I am freaking confused about my relationship with My Guy.

Side note: I am so happy I am recording this, I can’t wait to revisit how insane I sound later down the line, lol.

So what’s the confusion this time? Where do I begin? This issue short and sweet is: I don’t know if I can tolerate the fact that My Guy has a complicated life. He welcomes the challenges of inviting me into his world, but I don’t know if I want to put up the fight. On the other hand, I like him so much. In fact, I wish I didn’t have such strong feelings (it would be a lot easier). I find myself lately trying to talk my feeling away, telling myself to pull back. But its too late I am so gone and having him out of my life would hurt. But my happiness is important as well.

So what’s complicated, I have to accept he has a 12 years old son who will require a lot of attention since he is now at an age where a father figure is very crucial. Not to mention My Guy is a great father. Friday through Sunday mornings are reserved for their quality time-period end of story. But what if I want to go away for a weekend? I’m sure we can occasionally. Or am I being selfish? There is absolutely nothing I can do or even change regarding his son, and I am not suggesting anything different. But I am childfree and my world revolves around me. But when you find someone you think may be “it”, when do you say okay this is just how it has to be.

His dogs, oh I neglected to mention he has yet another dog. Last Friday he told me he is now the proud owner of a female pure breed German Sheppard puppy. These dogs grow up to be the size of a damn horse. Now, what the hell am I to do about TWO damn dogs? I was just warming up to the idea of the first one, now I have a pony to worry about. Is this a deal breaker? He jokingly made the comment that the dogs were a superficial reason to be deal breakers. But clearly they are not when it comes to my freaking allergies. He said he was more than willing to make sure the house is cleaned and the dogs are in their kennels.

I guess I am in panic mode because it’s still very early in our relationship, despite my feelings. But if I need to pull out now is the time to think about that seriously. Even as I read my prior posts clearly the man has brought a permanent smile to my face. But these two things are very near and dear to him and its part of who he is. I am not getting any younger and I don’t want to waste time nor throw away something without putting up a good fight. But I also want to pick my battles. My heart hurts even as write this. I’ve been totally swept off my feet and now I am worried about what could be a simple speed bump or the edge of cliff. Don’t know what to do right.

Just to make things even more “fun” My Guy and his son are going deep-sea fishing (a trip planned before me) for a week. They leave Friday morning and won’t be back until next Thursday. My mother is coming into town the following weekend for a week. So our time together will be shut down for about two weeks. I believe it’s a little premature for him to meet my mother at this point, but the thought did cross my mind.

Over the weekend My Guy said he wanted to spend some time with me before he leaves since it will be a while before we hook up again. I was busy Monday evening and we agreed to Tuesday evening (today). However, that was canceled. The funny thing is I woke up this morning knowing we would not see each other today, so I made no preparations. He called in the afternoon to inform me that his works hours are about to change (his clients are all on pacific time), which means he will work a little later now (great). In addition to this news he also informs me that he had a lot of errands to run before their trip so last night wouldn’t work for him. Again, there’s nothing for me to say at this point other than okay.

I now find myself going through an “emotional” withdrawal. I also want to tell him don’t bother trying to fix me into your list of “things to do” before your trip. I will probably tell him that in the morning. Maybe I am acting like a selfish brat? Or maybe this time a part is set up like this to give me time to think about what I want to do. I keep telling myself ‘I wish I didn’t care one way or the other.’ I’m not sure if it’s my ego or my heart. I do know my guard is up now, and I have to gain control of my feelings…


Blu Jewel said...

Once you've let a race horse out of the gate, you're not going to pull it back; hence your emotions. They're out there and there's nothing you can do about it. Throwing your guard up will hurt more than it will help because you've added another emotion to your exisiting situation.

Allow yourself to feel the mixed emtions, but don't pull back at all. It's always darkest before the dawn and all too often we want it light too fast. Continue to enjoy what you have with him including his son and additional dog. Granted, your health (allergies) is important, but if he's willing to make provisions for you (extra housekeeping), that shows he has good intentions.

Sometimes we need to stop analyzing and let things simply be. We are not always in control nor should we want to be. We can't want what we want and then manipulate it into whatever we think it should be for us; life simply doesn't work that way. For all intent and purposes, he sounds like a great guy and you have to focus on that, what he does for you, and how he makes you feel. There are only two guarantees in life and that's Life and Death; everything else is an experience.

Slow down sweetie. Allow yourself room to grow with him and let things follow their course.


Black Mamba said...

You two are still dating, finding your way and figuring things out. Take those 2 weeks you've been given and really think on the pros and cons of the relationship - what you want out of it, what you don't, really think on how you truly feel about the WHOLE scenario.

You can't ask him to change (ie: the child and the dogs) and trust me, he won't...BUT you can take a look at what you're willing to come to compromise on. When he gets back, sit down and discuss how you feel, ask him if he'd be willing to go away on an occasional weekend trip minus the son...I doubt he'd say no, it's not like it'd be every weekend and he should be willing to put quality time into your relationship the way he does with his son.

Relationships are give and take, they're full of compromises and the occasional disagreements...neither of you will get YOUR WAY. It's a lot of work to make it work, but if he makes you smile and your heart flutter and you're head over heels about him, it won't seem so much like work...it'll just be worth it.

DiamondsR4eva said...

damn...as selfish as it sounds it's honest and the kid and dogs are a concern, although I'm not sure if they are quite the deal breakers unless you think this feeling you have about them won't go away.

superstarprincess said...

I totally understand how you feel re: the son and now dogs.

To give you a perspective from my flip side- I've dated a man who had no kids, no pets, and did not even own a cell phone to distract him, and he had a set schedule. However, he was never fully focused on me.

Sometimes a man with a complicated life has the capacity to show more love/affection, just because he appreciates and values the precious time that he spends with you.

You both sound like two good people with pure hearts. As everyone else has already said, just wait and see what happens- but enjoy the moment. :) Hugs.

Ms. Confessions said...

Blu- You have no idea how much you saved me this morning from making a huge mistake. I picked my cell to send My Guy a text saying I don’t expect to see him before he leaves (kinda of bitter). But I saw your comment come through on my phone and stopped in my very tracks. THANK YOU! Sometimes its good to be still.

Black- There’s been a big change of events, which will be explained, in my new post. All I can say is thank God I didn’t say too much too soon. I am going to take this time to get myself together and enjoy what’s good. I need to stop being a control freak.

Diamond- My lips are shut for now :)

Superstar- He’s proven he’s a keeper. I am just retarded and need to chill out, lol.

Blu Jewel said...

i'm late in checking back in, but i'm happy to hear that you didn't do anything that could have ruined the going.


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