Thanks to T.C.. inspired me to come out of my shame and admit that I too can be my worst enemy (thanks a lot, lol). Why must I over analyze shit? Here we go again blog, I am freaking confused about my relationship with My Guy.
Side note: I am so happy I am recording this, I can’t wait to revisit how insane I sound later down the line, lol.
So what’s the confusion this time? Where do I begin? This issue short and sweet is: I don’t know if I can tolerate the fact that My Guy has a complicated life. He welcomes the challenges of inviting me into his world, but I don’t know if I want to put up the fight. On the other hand, I like him so much. In fact, I wish I didn’t have such strong feelings (it would be a lot easier). I find myself lately trying to talk my feeling away, telling myself to pull back. But its too late I am so gone and having him out of my life would hurt. But my happiness is important as well.
So what’s complicated, I have to accept he has a 12 years old son who will require a lot of attention since he is now at an age where a father figure is very crucial. Not to mention My Guy is a great father. Friday through Sunday mornings are reserved for their quality time-period end of story. But what if I want to go away for a weekend? I’m sure we can occasionally. Or am I being selfish? There is absolutely nothing I can do or even change regarding his son, and I am not suggesting anything different. But I am childfree and my world revolves around me. But when you find someone you think may be “it”, when do you say okay this is just how it has to be.
His dogs, oh I neglected to mention he has yet another dog. Last Friday he told me he is now the proud owner of a female pure breed German Sheppard puppy. These dogs grow up to be the size of a damn horse. Now, what the hell am I to do about TWO damn dogs? I was just warming up to the idea of the first one, now I have a pony to worry about. Is this a deal breaker? He jokingly made the comment that the dogs were a superficial reason to be deal breakers. But clearly they are not when it comes to my freaking allergies. He said he was more than willing to make sure the house is cleaned and the dogs are in their kennels.
I guess I am in panic mode because it’s still very early in our relationship, despite my feelings. But if I need to pull out now is the time to think about that seriously. Even as I read my prior posts clearly the man has brought a permanent smile to my face. But these two things are very near and dear to him and its part of who he is. I am not getting any younger and I don’t want to waste time nor throw away something without putting up a good fight. But I also want to pick my battles. My heart hurts even as write this. I’ve been totally swept off my feet and now I am worried about what could be a simple speed bump or the edge of cliff. Don’t know what to do right.
Just to make things even more “fun” My Guy and his son are going deep-sea fishing (a trip planned before me) for a week. They leave Friday morning and won’t be back until next Thursday. My mother is coming into town the following weekend for a week. So our time together will be shut down for about two weeks. I believe it’s a little premature for him to meet my mother at this point, but the thought did cross my mind.
Over the weekend My Guy said he wanted to spend some time with me before he leaves since it will be a while before we hook up again. I was busy Monday evening and we agreed to Tuesday evening (today). However, that was canceled. The funny thing is I woke up this morning knowing we would not see each other today, so I made no preparations. He called in the afternoon to inform me that his works hours are about to change (his clients are all on pacific time), which means he will work a little later now (great). In addition to this news he also informs me that he had a lot of errands to run before their trip so last night wouldn’t work for him. Again, there’s nothing for me to say at this point other than okay.
I now find myself going through an “emotional” withdrawal. I also want to tell him don’t bother trying to fix me into your list of “things to do” before your trip. I will probably tell him that in the morning. Maybe I am acting like a selfish brat? Or maybe this time a part is set up like this to give me time to think about what I want to do. I keep telling myself ‘I wish I didn’t care one way or the other.’ I’m not sure if it’s my ego or my heart. I do know my guard is up now, and I have to gain control of my feelings…