Sunday, November 11, 2007

My Epiphany




I’m sure there’s been a point in one’s life when you wondered why you made some of the choices you made in your past. They say life is all about living and learning from our mistakes, is this the case even when you bring on certain circumstances while knowing right from wrong? Or maybe the attraction is the rush felt from partaking in something that you know is wrong for whatever reasons.

I had a dream last night that made me think of a past relationship with a guy that I knew wasn’t the best for me. I consider the situation similar to the tales of Eve or Pandora. You’re instructed (either from a higher source or inner voice) to not do something yet you decide to do the very opposite. I’ve mentioned this person on my blog a few times. Although it’s all water under the bridge, every now and then I think of the situation. All lessons have been learned and it isn’t about finding out what went wrong, but observing how much I craved the adrenaline and entertainment felt from being in the “relationship”.

The bottom line is I stayed in that situation because I was selfish and thought of nothing more than self-gain. I twisted the feelings of lust, happiness, trust, greed, manipulation, togetherness, and called it Love. I didn’t initially intend for things to go this way. But as our situation started to not turned into a not so favorable deal for me. I had to create a winning situation for myself, since my heart was broken. It boiled down to “You wanna fuck with my happiness, well then I’ll fuck with yours.” I simply forgot the rules of our engagement and let my imagination get the best of me.

The purpose of this post is for my inner peace and to admit my wrongdoing even if it’s several months later. This person may never see this, but I am sorry for acting like a selfish and spoiled brat (maybe bitch). I sincerely wish you happiness and success with the woman you are meant to be with.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. That's very deep and I'm sure wherever he is, he appreciates your call to honesty...
The way things went down, itd be hard to imagine him any other way, keep on keepin on S. Cha

T.C. said...

That was indeed deep, powerful, and inspiring! It takes a strong woman to look back at her life and to grow from the choices she has made so that she (and others) can move forward accordingly. You have done just that and that is a wonderful thing! Much peace to you as you transition...

Blu Jewel said...

That was a wonderful expulsion of your negative feelings in order to gain the inner peace you needed. I commend your willingness to let it loose, forgive yourself, and in time (whether this post is read or not), receive forgiveness.

Now you can move on as a whole person and with less baggage. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the PostSecret movement, but check it out...www.postsecret.blogspot.com
I let mine loose and I felt incredibly free afterward.

Blu Jewel said...

correction...http://postsecret.blogspot.com

Nic said...

Very thoughtful post.
I too am guilty of staying in a "relationship" for the wrong reasons. My main thing was somehow I let it become a competition between myself and my ex's baby mama. I didn't want her to feel that she succeeded in destroying our "relationship", so I ended up staying way longer than I should have.

Oh well you live and learn.

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