As women we tend to feel a need to attack the other woman instead of focusing on the man in question. For simplicity purpose we’ll say the woman wasn’t even aware the guy had a woman (or maybe she was). Should you hold the other woman accountable for your man’s alleged indiscretions?
If you are involved with a man whom you think is unfaithful, would it not be in your best interest to reevaluate your situation with your man? The woman on the side has no commitment or obligation to you or your relationship. I don’t mean to appear unsympathetic to a woman whose man is allegedly cheating on her, but we’re no longer in high school. And as a grown woman you can’t go around thinking you can attack every woman you think is messing with your guy. In general the golden rule is men will do whatever we as women will allow. It is also a rule to follow one’s instinct/intuition. If you believe your mate is cheating, they probably are.
I am not condoning a cheating mate’s behavior, but if you do find yourself in that situation it’s better to resolve the problem between the two of you. But what do I know; I’m just another single woman minus a redundant relationship. (I think I'll be alright)
17 comments:
Ok now you know that I had to respond to this on, especially with
What I just went through. Although every situation should be
evaluated based on that particular situation, I think that you have
a right and an obligation to approach the woman in question. This
shouldn’t be a matter of “should you approach” as much as it should be
a question of “how you approach” the alleged other woman. When you
have invested your time and energy in a man and in a relationship,
you have a right to put everyone on notice that you are aware of
what is going on. How you do it is what separates the girls from
the women. Again, it’s on a case by case basis. I had a right to
call the trespassing female out of her name. She disrespected my
relationship. In your friend’s case, your friends needs to evaluate
her position. Sure you have no allegiance to me but you should have
a degree of respect for yourself. If you are creeping with an
involved man, be woman enough to let her know. If confronted, be
woman enough to discuss it (if that is the road That you are
choosing to take). If you are being wrongfully accused,
Then pull out your “this is not high school” card.
@ Simply star- Yes, you’re situation was totally different. You guys had an open relationship with honesty being the MAIN requirement. True, no two situations are ever the same. The purpose of this post is to have a candid and honest discussion on how we women handle situations as such. Again in your case, the girl was being grimy on purpose. And I still feel you were in the RIGHT to call her ass out on that shit. For the sake of argument I meant a woman who perhaps didn’t have ill intentions to begin with.
A better question may in fact be “how to approach the other woman?” And as far as my girl goes, there was no “creeping” to speak on. No sexual/psychical relations involved. (Point and purpose will be discussed in another post). But yes, if you are going to be bold and do dirt behind that woman’s back; you should be woman enough to say something about it. There was NO room for discussion in my girl’s case because the email was sent via the chick’s man’s email, which is like responding to him. Now if you wanna be gangsta about it, then send an email from your own email address then at least the situation can be addressed through the proper channels. Loving the dialogue here!!!!!
Well if my man was lying and I really wanted answers, I might talk to the other woman. But in order to get info you just can’t come off any kind of way, because then she is liable to tell you all kind of lies just to make you mad. You should always start off with him.
I agree with your viewpoint on this subject. The other woman does not owe you anything...not even an explanation. That's on your partner who claimed to love you, yet betrayed you.
If Mr. G's soon to be ex wife called me in a tizzy about my relationship with him, I'd tell her to talk to him about it and get off my phone with her damn nonsense.
@ anonymous – Great point as well!
@ the mistress- I always appreciate your impute on all subject matters.
We blame the woman because it easier to call her out and blame her, than deal with the fact that “I’m being played”. Yes, we always have that gut feeling, but sometimes you just become immune to the bullshit and drama.
I’ve been there more time than I care to admit. I cussed him and her out. I didn’t feel any better once everything was said and done. Looking back obviously I had self esteem issues and didn’t think I could do better. Live, Learn, and Let Go…
I can totally relate to everyone’s comment, but in the end I agree with the last one…live, learn, and let go. Whether you act a fool with the dude, the chick or both then you just act a fool and if you feel the need to do that to let out anger then by all means do it; as long as you are not vandalizing property and you need to vent…do it. Like someone said it depends on the situation. If you have invested x,y,z amount of time in this relationship and this man/woman(because it can go both ways) goes out and does his/her thing and you feel the need to approach both then why not; in my eyes you have that right. Yes I agree that the other party does not owe you anything; not even an explanation because think about it…Your partner decided to go out on his/her own and the other party may not know a thing about you or they may actually know everything about you. The point is if they cared they would have left your partner alone to let him deal with his “drama”. In all, one should deal with their partner when they have an issue or a feeling that something “not right” is going down in the relationship and if you don’t get an answer or you get some bull#$%@ response then pack your @#$% and get out or turn around and don’t look back. I know… better said than done, but TRUST ME…IT CAN BE DONE!
As far as the email…you can choose to ignore it and im sure and can guarantee that she will send you an email asking you why you are “punking” out and don’t want to respond, she may even check his bill and text or call you; #1 who cares just block her @$$ from your email or #2 respond in a nice nasty way and let her know that you are unsure why her man is talking about F#$%&#@ you and she may want to ask him that. Also, the response to who the %&$# are you; inform her that you are a highly intelligent woman who has set dreams and goals and are working towards completing them as we speak and if she would kindly get back to what she was doing excluding contacting you, then that would be great! Have an extraordinary day! Regards, About Business(or something like that) or #3 you can tell her everything so she is at ease, but be ready to expect anything. Your guy could leave you alone all together because you’re a “hater” now or he could care less and say oh well to her and she come after you.
To hit on another note; if you are kickin it wirh, sleepin with, chillin with a “taken” man which, no is not right, but it happens. You do not owe the girlfriend, wife, significant other, etc an explanation either. To me it’s not about being bout it or woman enough…that just creates more drama. That’s the man/womans duty or responsibility to do that. The bout it or woman thing to do if you don’t want to be a part of the drama or the continuation of it is to just back out of whatever type of relationship you two are in and just let that go!(but most don’t)
These days…it’s every man/woman for him/herself!
I hope everything works out for you in the end…
@Wednesday, August 02, 2006, Anonymous
Preach!!!
Every woman has been in this situation. Whether you’re the one scorn or the “other woman”.
There’s nothing wrong with admitting to be in either situation. The purpose is how you handle the situation. When it is all said and done, the only person you have to answer to is YOU.
If you are NOT happy in the situation, then it’s up to you to make the necessary changes. At this point you can’t be mad at the woman or your man. Love yourself enough to “Live, Learn, and Let Go”.
@Views of Diversified Mind
Girl, I love your opinions as well!
Life is always filled with lessons to be learned. Dust your shoulders off and get back in the game.
But like you said don’t holla at the other woman with your drama/bullshit.
if my homey/lover/friend's girlfriend were to confront me over her trifling ass boyfriend, i would tell her all she wanted to know. . and don't let me find out that he lied to me about having a wifey! she will know EVERY little detail that went on between me and him. information is power. she may be reaching out because she's not getting any honest answers from him. you know how these guys are. its like they have these special powers of making you feel like your the crazy one. i think we need to stop protecting these men. most of us know what it feels like to be on that side of the fence. and it doesn't feel great either. if he did it to her, he'll do it to you too. dudes air us out all the time. sistahs need to stick together and stop being so catty with one another. i know there's a shortage of men out there and you want to hold on to what's left, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't lose our integrity over it.
@anonymous Thursday August 3, 2006- Point well taken! I appreciate your comment. I agree we as women need to get off the divide and conquer thing.
I confront the one who puts the penis inside of ME. It is not my concern to confront the other woman. Even if I knows who she is.
Bottom line, HE violated OUR relationship. SHE DIDN'T.
When my ex, The Blue Black Bastard From The Pit Of Hell cheated on me-HE HAD TO GO.
The lesson I learned about leaving him-the next woman he meets that treats his ass like a King, he will remember to treat her as his Queen and not get comfortable or take her for granted.
Men would do better if WE AS WOMEN EXPECTED BETTER.
When we meet a guy, and he makes us feel good inside-he DOES NOT LOSE THE ABILITY to know the difference from Right and Wrong.
Men don't cheat because you have gained weight, lost weight, couldn't turn him on, didn't do enough for him, etc.
They cheat because THEY CAN.
I head that tortured_authoress and anonymous!! One more thing I had to say is that some women are not looking for a relationship with men and aren't looking for single, taken, etc. men. I can understand if you want to be in a relationship and you are confronted by his woman and you want to give every little detail, but for the ones who hav 0 INTENTIONS on getting with this dude they don't care and have no reason, but maybe losing his company if they tell all.
Also, I can agree with tortured_authoress who says men cheat because they can, but having a million and one guy friends and getting their opinions, alot of men do cheat because they can and some of their women allow it and have these "open relationships" where they feel that their men are going to cheat anyway so as long as the guys aren't bringing anything home...whateva can go down...WHAT THE HELL is what I say to that...better yet...HELL NO (was a radio topic on 97.9 a couple of days ago). Alot of men cheat because its something their women are not doing at home or something their woman is lacking and I feel that communication plays a big part in a relationship. If you talk it out, maybe the two can work it out or work on it together to improve or change what's NOT going down!
I forgot to thank you Confessions-of-an-everyday-woman for the compliment!!! My comments/responses are from the heart and are based on facts and opinions! I love your blog!
Well, well, well.
I got to say everyone before me has given some true comments. Speaking in the other woman shoes. My boo is married and been married for 3 years. I knew him before he was married and was reacquainted about 4 months ago. i never thought i would be f***ing a married man but I got to say, it's good. I know everything about his wife. From where she works, what she drives because he's been to my place in her car, the names of their child, and many more. I know when they are mad at each other and I know what she does and doesn't do for him. so what am I there for. I'm there to fill the gaps that she is missing whether because she's lazy or knows he's not going anywhere. that's cool. I don't want him to leave her.
Another story. My ex and I has been apart for 3 1/2 years and still to this day kick it. I knew about his new woman and still conversates with his family down to the grandmother and aunts.
So if you got a question for me, ask me b/c I'm not going to hold my tongue on what I got to say. i'm from that dirty, dirty south and that's how we do it.
@tortured_authoress- Your words are nothing but the truth. It amazes me how a woman will still stay in that situation and be the fool, yet you want to play gangsta bitch to any woman who steps to your man. The actions merely contradict on another. If you’re woman enough to approach the other woman, be woman enough to stop being a door mat to your man.
@Views of Diversified Mind- Point well taken. Not every woman wants to sign up for replacement of the main chick. Obviously the man is in need of fulfilling a void his main woman isn’t equipped to satisfy. Yes, men cheat because they can. Why would a person stop cheating if there aren’t any real consequences? It’s all good as long as old faithful will always be there. You keep it real all the time Ms. Thang, I love it!!
@Monday, August 07, 2006, Anonymous- I feel your situation. We’ve all been there at some point or another. In fact my situation I’m currently experiencing is very similar, except he’s not married. We are very good friends. I know the highs and the lows of his relationship. We are so candid and honest with each other I am sure his girl wished she had our kind of friendship with her own man. While I don’t consider myself the one on the side. I have been given the exclusive right to be his confidant. I’ll soon share that topic in an upcoming post.
Anonymous,
I don't see how you do it girl! My ex and I were together and on and off for 6 years and when I found out he had a WHOLE nother girlfriend of course I still loved him and did the do and played the fool about 3 times and after trying to make the other chick miserable and calling her with details, etc and telling her to back the $#%# and it didn't work;I figured she could be the dumb azz on her own and find out other stuff on her own as well...and I concluded; who gives a dam;it probably won't work out anyway, but I am not to make the final decision on that.
I say I don't know how you do it because as much as I can't stand and want to hate his azz I could not "kick it" with him ever again because all of my feeling will probably return and just to get that temporary good feeling is not to risk those feelings and emotions from back in the gap returning; took me waaaaaaaay too long to get rid of them! but hey...more power to you; maybe your not affected.
@Diversified Mind-It’s disappointing to have a man in your life and just when things seem to be okay, there’s another person in the mix. Everyone has their needs/voids that require attention. The question is how do you go about fulfilling those things? And at what cause do you tolerate someone who is only supplying the bare minimum?
Initially my male friend and I were just a simple summer fling, it later turned into a genuine friendship. We both remained good friends (not necessarily fucking around) even when we had other relationships going on. But since I am single currently I looked to him to fulfill that emptiness. I knew his situation and I knew what type of man he is. He’s never kept anything from me. But I ignored reality and got caught up in my own rapture of acting like it’s just him and I. I’ll admit this post may have compromised our relationship. But at the end of the day as friends you should be able to respect each others opinions, feelings, and view points. If you cant be real and candid with your “best friend”- then who?
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