Too Blessed to Be Stressed??

I suppose since I am getting married in October, wedding details would be high on the stress list. Too bad it’s not. Since my fiancé’s surgery, I have had to deal with one thing after another in regards to ensuring he has a good recovery. The last few months have been a true test of the “through sickness and in health” line within the wedding vows. People often ask me “how are you doing”. I don’t truly have an answer to that question. To be honest, I don’t dwell on my feelings. I just react and keep it moving. It’s almost like I am on autopilot and I don’t allow myself the opportunity to examine my feelings. Perhaps this blog may be a great outlet. If only I would write posts more often.

Right now we’re dealing with his partial facial paralysis. We are hoping he will regain the facial muscles on the right side of his face soon. Worst case, it may never come back. Since his condition is strictly based on the individual, there is no real way to predict when things will return to “normal”. At this point, it’s about being patient and supportive. Both of our moms have asked if we still want to move forward with the wedding. He immediately replied yes, I want to as well. But of course I can’t help but think about our wedding photos. What if his face isn’t “normal” by then?

We found out there’s an association for people with his condition and attended a local group meeting a month ago. We were encouraged by the group for many reasons. One, it’s good to know you’re not alone in these types of situations. Two, they all told my fiancé he looked great considering it was only 90 days since his procedure. However, it’s hard to hear him wake up and say “I want my face to work” every day. At this point, it’s about being patient and having faith in God.

You would think wedding invitations, dresses, engagement party, etc. would be wearing me out at this point. I honestly, haven’t focused a lot on those things. I have sometime before I need to panic but it will require my attention soon.

With all that is going on, I have to sit back and look at the positive side of all of this. We are both blessed in regards to finding each other and being there unconditionally. We are obviously going through this for a reason and this situation is reminder of what’s truly important. Yes, I am looking forward to my wedding but I will also become someone’s wife and my life will now include my husband’s. As I type that, I am moved by the anticipation of spending the rest of my life with someone…

They say what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger...

I'm sitting here in a waiting room at a hospital while my fiancé is undergoing brain surgery. I don't have the energy to explain how we got here but here I am. Talk about the true test of love and having faith. We've know about this issue for about three weeks and have spent the time waiting for the scheduled day for surgery.

I have never gone through something so traumatic and stressful. The level of anxiety I feel is unreal. We have about four to five hours left. The nurse will call us every hour to give us an update. I stayed with him until they wheeled him away from me. We will get through this but God this period of waiting is the worst.




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I Got This...

You are very much in control of your actions, especially when it comes to eating. For the past week and a half, I have been on my “eating right” kick. I am actually doing South Beach’s Phase I. It’s my old regimen for a little boast on the weight lost path. I use to do it quite often when I was in undergrad. My mother had me a little self-conscious when I would return home (L.A.) from being away at school in Louisiana.
What I've discovered, so far is I am in control of my eating habits. Last week was one of the most trying weeks to-date at my job. We’re working on budgets and it’s been the most stressful project. It’s amazing how unorganized and chaotic a company can be. I worked about 60 hours easy during this week. At any rate, under normal eating patterns a drink was highly in order. However, during the phase I, you are not allowed any alcohol. I was proud of myself for not giving into the urge to have drink. It was only the prior week when I attended two happy hours and had plenty to drink.
My weakness are desserts and bad carbs (how many are not addicting to these). I just finished my menstrual cycle, a time when I usually indulge in sweet treats. Yet this time, I was in control. It’s interesting what you learn about yourself as you begin new habits. I am done with this phase on Monday (10/24) and I am looking forward to continuing fighting the urge to win this eating battle.

In other news, I am now planning my wedding. To be continued…

Crucial Conflicts...

Am I ready for marriage?

I am excited about my upcoming trip to Vegas for two reasons; one I will have the chance to spend some time with my Mom. Two, we're planning on touring some venues to possibly host my wedding. Now how can I start a post with my question and be excited about planning a wedding? Perhaps, because they are two very different things.

I am excited about the joy of planning this day and yet there are some issues within our relationship. Sometimes, I find myself wondering if marriage is what I want with this person? Then there are other times when I can't wait to start a family with him. I am deeply in love with my guy, I just wonder about little things.

Can I be everything he wants me to be? Can he be everything I want him to be?

They say money and sex can be the root of the problem in every relationship. I am finding that to be very true. While I am on the fast track to establishing my career, he's going through a career change. His industry has changed and in a way makes it difficult to attain the level of success others have had in the past, including him.

So now he's going through the period of finding himself and testing other industries. I support him completely during this transition and I know it's been hard. However, a part of me wonders will things pick up for him? If not, am I okay with being the "breadwinner"?

I work my ass off to provide myself pleasures I desire without relying on a man to supply them for me. At the same time, I want to empower my guy to be the head of our household. How do you do that when you are financially taking care of the household as the woman?

I've been struggling with these thoughts for most of this year. I by no means want to leave my guy simply because he's not making more than me. But I can't help but have these feelings every time I pay a house bill. As a result of these feelings, my level of intimacy has changed. One has a direct effect on the other.

I mentioned wanting to do premarital counseling just to ensure we're heading the right direction...


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Never Keeping Secret...

This past week was a turning point in our relationship. Before I go into that, my mom was here during this time. I had a great visit with her. She visits me annually here in Dallas.

My boyfriend just discovered a minor secret I have been withholding. He found out about my birthmark that I have hidden from pretty much everyone outside of my immediate family. It happened in a strange and unexpected way. I was up (like any usual workday morning) having breakfast while watching the news. He happened to walk into the kitchen to make coffee and while saying hello he noticed a small mark on my face. His natural reaction was he thought something was wrong and I had a rash. I jumped up and ran out of the room as if someone yelled fire.

I was mortified, this was not suppose to happen this way and how the hell do I get out of this? I hide in the bathroom and he came after me. I refused to open the door (yes, I was seriously bugging out at this point). I started to put on my makeup, which he never knew is my ultimate “cover up”. I decided not to apply too much foundation; after all he did see something. But I was scared, how do I explain myself? After fifteen minutes of me acting like a weirdo, I came clean and told him about my birthmark. At first he was upset that I kept this a secret for almost three years. I don’t know when I would have told. During the conversation, he understood my issue with my birthmark and disclosure.

I don’t sleep with makeup on; I always take it off at night. However, it’s the very last thing I do and the lights are out. I get up before he does and simply go to bathroom, apply and go about my business. So if I don’t want you to know its there, you won’t. I have life long friends that don’t know this about me. As a result of this I scheduled a dermatology appointment just to see what my options are. I later told my mom about my boyfriend’s discovery and she had no clue that I never told him about it. She was also a bit disturbed that I am so self-conscience about it.

I haven’t been comfortable with what I consider a surface imperfection for quite some time. My boyfriend wondered if there were any other things I was hiding. The answer is NO. After revealing this, I must say I feel like a huge burden has been lifted. But there’s still progress to go because I will continue to keep it from the world (at least for now). Again, I can’t believe how lucky I am to have such a great man in my life.

The Hair

In response to Chocolate Mom's comment, I wanted to share this photo as evidence on why I don't deal w/ my own hair,lol. I promise if you could show me how to maintain this hair (naturally), exercise, and survive in this southern heat..I'm game! I don't like braids and I work in corporate america so I don't want to freak out clients/co-workers, lol.

This photo was taken right after a blow drying session...

...

Sometimes I want to just say fuck it, I’d rather be single. It’s the very feeling I have right now that makes me question am I happy? We’re going on three years and eight months of living together. All of the true colors are showing and I am second-guessing everything. Is this just going through the motions of a relationship or is this being redundant? We’re starting to argue (disagree) a little more than we use. The honeymoon phase feels a little faded. We’re getting agitated more easily and we just seem to be on edge.

I feel somewhat claustrophobic and I need my space. I miss coming home after work to a quiet house and just being lazy on the couch watching tv. But now I have to share my space with another person (that is, if I don’t want to live alone). Our relationship isn’t unhealthy, I just wonder if I have it in me anymore? Have I moved on subconsciously? I love my boyfriend and I want to marry him. But I don’t want to move forward in the same capacity we’re currently in. Just thinking…

My Hair vs. Me (and I lost)...

I can't wait until this Saturday, that is when I will be getting my weave put back in. So I happily admit I lost the battle between wearing my natural hair and trying to have some sort of a healthy lifestyle. My issue was cardio and not sweating out my hair, the typical black girl problem. For the past month and a half, I have been doing not as mush working out yet getting my hair done every week. The problem with my hair now is it's not use to being out, so it has to be done every week ( there's just way too much going on, lol).

So weave time it is. I will be so happy when I can once again sweat until my heart is content and not have a scary Afro. I can then go back to getting my hair done every two weeks, my pocket book would be a little happier. More importantly, I refuse to let hair get in the way of me achieving my goals of living an active and healthy lifestyle. For black women it is something we struggle with because of our hair. But thank God for blessing me with a great hairstylist who can whip some hair.






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I'm not my hair, or am I?

Yesterday I went to the hair salon and decided to not wear a weave for the next few weeks. Since it's black history month, I guess figured I'll go natural,lol. Besides, my guy wanted me to wear my hair. I love weaves and it's a very addictive type of hair style. I primarily wear weaves because it gives my real hair a chance to growth and remain healthy. When you see how much hair I have, you would wonder why I even bother with a weave. But I say for one, don't assume every woman wearing extensions doesn't have hair of her own. I am very conservative with my hair selections. I don't wear loud colors,mainly because I work in corporate america and I don't want to alarm anymore,lol.

I do like the freedom of wearing very long hair or even different textures of hair. My next hair choice is going to be wavy. I think it'll be a good Spring/Summer hair do. The idea is you can wet, set, and go. We'll see what my coworkers and tenants have to say about my real hair. I wonder if some will even notice?

What's New?

So we're in the second month of the year. It seems like only yesterday we were saying happy New Year. So much has gone on but it feels like much more needs to be done. I have jump started a few new habits for 2011. The most important is probably getting financially fit. I am working with my mother's advisor and hoping to secure a stable future, so I can retire young and enjoy my life. I have a trainer I have been working with since last November. I swear as you get older, it's so damn easy to pick up the pounds and/or not be physically active. Food is my pitfall. But with focus, I will remain in control.

Perhaps, if I updated this blog more often it wouldn't feel so heavy to write what's been going on. This weather in Dallas is driving me crazy.I hate the winter because I am not a fan of snow. We had a bad snow storm last week (during superbowl) and I thought it would never end. Of course it could be worst and I could live in the midwest or northeast. I think we are all ready for the spring.

My cousin's mother is in the hospital in critical condition and it's not looking good. I can't imagine what they are going through. But then again, I lost my father and it still hurts like hell. I can't imagine not having my mother. She is my rock, my hero, and my buddy. I talk to her everyday, sometimes several times a day.

This is a post of me just rambling. But I promise to write more....

Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I can’t believe Christmas is less than two days away and a new year is right around the corner. This year started off full of uncertainty along with many trials and tribulations. Professionally I thought I was being punished in my former position/company with no end in sight. Then a miracle happened in late summer and the opportunity of a lifetime changed the game completely. You see it’s never on your time, but it’s always on time. Four months later I finally feel like I am working with a manager who supports and believes in me. More importantly my manager is a man and I must say it’s a breath of fresh air.

As the year comes to a close, I end it on a higher note. Since my departure from my last company I was able to be more active in my professional organization which resulted in a lot of praise recognition. I was awarded 2010 Outstanding New Member and Future Vision Award. I admit it felt great to be recognized by my peers and people I look up to in our industry. For the first time I truly feel like my hard work is paying off and I am on the right path. My, the road can be rocky and rough.

In my personal life My Guy and I are going well. We’re celebrating our first Christmas together this year. I usually go home for the holidays. We bought our first tree and I influenced him to get into the holiday spirit. I must say its great being in love during this time of year. However, everything isn’t perfect. The past month or so, we have run into the issue of him snoring. I don’t know where this little annoying habit came from? But it’s driving me crazy. I have had to sleep on the sofa and wear ear plugs. I’m seriously considering this anti-snore pillow from Brookestone. But this is the joy of living together and I guess I shouldn’t complain.

Merry Christmas to all!

Lil Ms. Admim

So just when things are going so perfect at my job, I find out I have the admin from hell. She’s 23 years old working on her undergrad degree online and a mother of a 15 months old daughter. Nothing is wrong based off that description, but my beef with her stems from the fact that this bitch is saity she didn’t get my position. Never mind the fact that I am more than qualified, Masters degree and experience. She’s an over eager and wet-behind the ears rookie rubbing me the way. Keep in mind I am her boss but this trick obviously missed the memo since I share her with three other managers who are higher ranking than me. Perhaps that may be the reason she feels she can do the damn fool.

So now I am trying to figure out how to be diplomatic with this rookie who keeps trying to act as if we’re in the same position. It’s been awhile since I’ve worked with someone so confused. I’m not sure if its immaturity, lack of experience, or just straight boldness. At any rate we’re having a come to Jesus meeting very soon because something has got to give. At her age or even role in the game I wasn’t so ballsy. But then again I am a black woman in corporate america and we know there’s no playing that. It’s a trip because she keeps saying she wants to learn and I have no problem with someone wanting to better themselves. She’s only been in the industry all of six months so don’t step on my toes and I’ve been in the game over five years.

To be continued…

3rd Quarter Report

Let me first say Happy Birthday to all of my fellow Sapphires. I can’t believe its September already and it’s been so long since I’ve written a post. I love my new job (its been a month). I have done more this past month than I did the entire 15 months at my last job with the same title. My Guy and I have officially moved in together about two weeks now. Where we ended up works perfectly with our future planning. I wont lie and say in the past two weeks, we weren’t brought to the point of our limits. Between the general stress involved in moving, we found ourselves arguing a little more than usual.

There was a brief moment when I questioned if I was making the right decision. Do I want to move in with this man even though I love him? Am I ready to be 24/7 with this man? You fall in love with the idea, but now is the time to put up or shut up and it scared me. For most of this year I was already an emotional roll coaster because of the stress from my last job, which not only affected me internally but my relationship with him. I am now on the path to healing but there’s still a road of recovering I am going through. But that’s the beauty of love.

I love waking up every morning to him; I love coming home to him. I am so grateful to be in a loving and healthy relationship. I know we will not agree on everything and there will be things that annoy both of us, but we’re ride or die. So I mentioned we’re planning for our future. Initially, I wanted to live in a trendy and overpriced area of town. Particularly a high-rise apartment, I felt it wasn’t wise for us to purchase property together not being married yet. After many tours/viewings, we ended up choosing a property my company owns. Not only is the property unique (development wise) I also get an employee discount. By moving in together we’re saving for our wedding (which will take place in 2012) and towards a down payment for a home. Its looks like the 3rd quarter of the year is turning out great for us.

We look forward to the holidays this year. We are hosting Thanksgiving. I guess more importantly I am truly merging my life with this man. For the first time I have to share everything ( and I am a big brat) but growth is good.

I Quit 2010!!!

It’s never delivered on your time, but its always right on time. Last Friday (7/23/10) I resigned from my current employer. I thought the day would never come. I have been actively looking since April and finally two companies expressed high interest within the past two weeks. I’ve gone through several interviews and “hook ups” but nothing materialized (at least not on my time). I received my offer letter via Fed Ex on that same Friday from the company I wanted to work for.

It’s been a long road of mental anguish and high levels of stress. I swear I wouldn’t wish these last few months on my worst enemy. I was beginning to wonder what had I done in my younger years to deserve such bullshit. But God is good and I came out much stronger and wiser. Once I gave my two weeks notice, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders and I look forward to the day when I drive out of this parking garage for the last time. My new manager is a male and he’s young. I am guessing early to mid 30s. I am happy to work under a man for once. In my experience, women perpetuate all of the stereotypes as to why we can’t get along. This remains true regardless of how old we become.

I look forward to gaining peace of mind. I look forward to being healthy and happier whole-heartedly. No job is work your sanity and this job sucked ass because of the managers.

Day 1: Peeling Throgh My Layers

I am currently in route to L.A. to celebrate my mom’s retirement. I swear our lives are so parallel. The past few months have been so toxic for me mentally its no point in even going into details. The good news is this trip will serve double purpose. As my mother ends an important chapter and starts a new one, I will be doing essentially the same. My job isn’t working out and shit has hit the fan and that’s all I am saying at this time for the sake of leaving the baggage in Dallas (for now). I will say from this point on I am in search of what I want to do with myself (professionally). I have people willing to help me. I just need to figure out with all of my skills, education, talents, and resources; what the hell will make me happy? Is it commercial real estate?

I am so unhappy with my professional life that I am letting it affect other aspects of my life. I am go grateful to have a loving and understanding boyfriend. I swear he is my rock and I would be nowhere without him. So here’s to this experiment for the next few days. The goal is to come back home feeling renewed and with a better sense of myself. Things will get better. I’ve just never been here before and its scary but I am ready to tackle this like the champ that I am…

Funny Thing About Love...

I’m so in love and it’s been almost tow years of bliss for my boyfriend and I. Yet, I have some conflicting emotions. I love him but I’m coming to terms with the fact that relationships take work. In less than two months we’re moving in together and I feel like a part of me is going away. Or am I just being selfish? I love him and our relationship but sometimes I get nervous about moving forward. Are we really meant to be forever? Am I wrong to even have these thoughts? He makes me happy on so many levels. The idea of living with someone (your significant other) means you’re no longer living a life about you. There is no such thing as “going back to my place”.

Everything will work out; I’m just having a few jitters and experiencing some light turbulence on our journey through life. It does feel good to be loved and to be with someone who you know at the end of the day has your back no matter what…

I Love You!!

Things Are Looking Up!!!

My, its been way too long since I've posted. I've landed an interview with my dream company scheduled for tomorrow. I am too excited. Talk about practicing the art of being patient. Even though nothing is finalized yet, I am so grateful to have the opportunity to speak with several people. To be honest none of this would have been possible without the help of a certain professional organization I belong to. Shout out to the ladies of Commercial Real Estate Women (CREW). It's all about who you know and never have I met so many women willing to help me out. I highly recommend being involved in any organization that is relevant to your goals/interests. To be continued...

The Season Will Soon Change...

Have you ever just felt stuck or trapped? I’m reading two books currently book 1. Too big to fail (good book) and book 2. The power of patience. I would say book number 2 is probably the most necessary for me right now. I’m seriously at a crossroad when it comes to my job. I’m no longer happy and it’s affecting not only my mental state but also my physical health. I’ll spare the details for now and just say it really unnecessary bullshit and I’d much rather join another firm than deal with this bullshit.

Life is extremely too short to live life at a job being unhappy and I don’t believe in such things. Thank God for my boyfriend, family and friends who are extremely supportive during this time. This will get better; it’s just the typical corporate drama bullshit. The only difference is I am dealing with a few amateurs, which makes the situation even more ridiculous/frustrating. I’m not one to ever “run” away from a problem but I also know when to pick my battles. In the meantime, I’ll stay focus clock in, do my job well and clock out. But there is definitely a bright light flashing at the end of the tunnel…

The Asshole of the Century Award Goes to…

Here’s an email exchange between one of my managers and me. She left two bills w/ a post it note asking me to create a tenant adjustment form to bill then back for the charges. Well as I was beginning to fill out the form I noticed she didn’t tell me who the tenant was. So I sent the following email.

Dear Asshole,

I read the instructions to create a TAF to billback the bills. However, I don't know who to bill them back to. Please advise.

Thank you!
Me

Her Response:
Who just moved into ste 116?
That should help you solve the mystery. Thanks

How about fuck you and just answer the question.

A New Year Means New Things...

Happy 2010!!


It’s weird to even say or write 2010. For the past few days I’ve have this overwhelming need to make changes this year. I am no different than everyone else with the same promises. I have no resolution and I continue to make sure every year has personal progression. I don’t believe in making the same mistakes over and over, year after year.

There are a few major life-changing decisions that need to be address during this year’s first quarter. The first is my living situation with My Guy. We have plans to move in together this spring or summer. Last night we had a serious conversation about the magnitude of our plans. For him, he’s ready to go full throttle. He has also lived with a woman before. Myself on the other hand, have never lived with a guy and have a few habits/pleasures I need to make sure I am flexible on. For starters, I love my space. I love coming home to a place that is quiet and all mine. If I don’t feel like being bothered than I’m not. But when you’re living with someone that goes out the window.

We discussed how we would allow time for each to have space, but there comes a point when I have to realize my life isn’t about me solely anymore. I am selfish and self-centered mainly because at the end of the day, the only person I’ve had to worry about is me. I have neither kids nor pets, so no other being requires my attention on a constant basis. But at what point will I realize it’s not about me? I guess that time is now. I don’t want to be alone all for sake of maintaining “independence”.

I’m ready to move with him and I love how patient he is with me. That’s the beauty of our age difference (7years); he admitted five years ago it might have been a problem. He’s committed to being in a relationship with me for the rest of our lives. I am committed to walking this journey with him. I am just scared about a few things. But since when have I let fear determine my decisions? Not usually.

We talked about the holiday season. This past Christmas, I went home (L.A.) to be with my family, without a thought of staying in Dallas. I know he spends Christmas with his son and so I didn’t think to invite him. But he was surprised that I didn’t entertain the thought of staying. However, this year I will be staying here and it makes me a little sad. A part of growing up and being in a relationship, is moving on from childhood traditions and creating my own. I am by no means complaining about the relationship “issues” I have. After all, I am very happy and blesses that someone loves me so much. I guess I am just a little anxious about the unknown and the journey ahead.